The Sex Lives of Siamese Twins by Irvine Welsh

First published in Great Britain in 2014; published by Doubleday on February 3, 2015

Some books should probably come with a warning label. Consider yourself warned. When you read a novel by Irvine Welsh, you know you will encounter the F-word frequently. This one also stands out for its vividly detailed descriptions of sexual encounters that are (mostly) far from loving. If that puts you off, you should avoid The Sex Lives of Siamese Twins. For readers with fortitude, Welsh's latest caustic novel holds some rewards.

The Sex Lives of Siamese Twins is set in Miami Beach, where -- as Welsh paints it -- shallowness is a lifestyle and fitness is the primary measurement of worth. To be obese or unattractive is to be shunned in the nightclubs and on the beaches where the city's beautiful people hook up.

As the novel opens, fitness trainer Lucy Brennan takes out her aggression on a man who tries to shoot the pedestrian who just collided with her car. An artist, Lena Sorenson, films the encounter on her cellphone. The nation proclaims Lucy a hero, which leads to fifteen minutes of pseudo-fame that soon becomes notoriety. Fame of that sort -- the kind that creates a "crass, leveling, bizarre democracy" -- is one of the book's themes.

Most of the novel is told from Lucy's point of view. Lucy's voice is not entirely convincing -- she seems like a man's bisexual fantasy girlfriend. She is obsessed with sex. She is also self-absorbed and self-righteous. She goes out of her way to be offensive (particularly toward the obese) and I imagine that many readers will find her attitude so disagreeable that they will hate her and the book she rode in on. Fortunately, she's so over-the-top that it's fun to watch her self-destruct.

On the other hand, chubby Lena is a likable, sympathetic, and evolving character. She plays a secondary role in the novel's first half but slowly acquires a voice of her own, revealed in the latest Miami Beach trend of writing diary-like "Morning Pages." Lucy's overboard effort to change Lena's shape (and life) provides most of the novel's comedy but Lena's description of the events that added a hundred pounds to her frame gives the novel its weight (pardon the expression).

A reviewer lacking patience might give this book a typical Amazon 1-star review that reads "I read 30 pages before throwing it against the wall." I was tempted to set the book aside in its early chapters. The unlikable, offensive protagonist and the story's apparent pointlessness almost overcame my curiosity about the path the novel would follow. Fortunately, the bleeding dark humor kept me engaged until Lena begins to give the story its heart.

Welsh aptly terms Miami "a ghost town in the sun" while lovingly describing its sleaze. More importantly, the novel has much to say about shallow people who extoll their own virtues while judging others. Lena may not be physically fit or confident but she is a much better person than Lucy, a truth that Lucy, focused on her defining characteristic (fitness) to the exclusion of all others, is incapable of perceiving. As Lena discovers, people like Lucy who mistake domination for strength are usually "weak, vain, and scared."

At the same time, Welsh uses Lucy to make the point that people who use food or self-pity as a crutch would benefit from taking control of their lives. If Lucy and Lena could be merged -- not as Siamese twins but into a single, reasonably fit body -- the result would be a happy, well-adjusted person. I think the need for balance is the ultimate point of The Sex Lives of Siamese Twins.

The novel's closing act turns into a feel-good story, to a degree that feels like a cop-out designed to please readers. Still, the ending is clever. Sex Lives isn't a perfect novel but most of it is fun and it shows flashes of Welsh's unorthodox literary brilliance.

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